How Did I Get Here?!?

Ok here goes.

I’ve started and restarted this article probably dozens of times on screens and in my daily journal entries as I try to make sense of where I am right now and how I got here.

This past semester was a lot, to say the least. As I’ve told you if you’ve talked to me at all in the past few months, I’ve never felt so hopelessly overwhelmed. I failed to follow my own advice of not overcommitting myself and vividly remember laying on my bed the Sunday night before the semester even began crying and realizing I couldn’t do it all.

And I think that’s somehow how I got here. Right now I’m writing this from good ole Microsoft Word, but (hopefully) you’re reading this from my. Very. Own. Blog.

So how did I get here?

This semester was rough, we’ve been over that, I’ve written about it before, you get the point. I found myself in a season of stagnancy and separation from God unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I let insecurity and fear run wild. I relied so much on myself (and let myself down every time). I knew and I wrote about this so-called joy and peace that surpasses all understanding, but I don’t think I have a single time in these last few months truly sought out joy, or anything, from God.

But God.

I want this to be just as much, if not more, about God’s faithfulness as it is about my shortcomings.

Because I’ve never felt so in need and yet so undeserving of God’s grace.

I’ve wanted to write probably since middle school. Since I started keeping a journal in the 8^th grade, I’ve felt as though I had something to say.

But still, starting this is scary for me. It’s so scary, because once I hit submit this is sent into the world and I can’t take it back. And it might fail. And people might hate it. And maybe I will fail.

These thoughts and fears have been spiraling in my head for so long and have held me back for so long.

But God. God moves in a funny way, so slowly and calmly and perfectly in His timing that if you’re not paying attention or seeking Him out, you might miss and write-off.

One of my favorite worship songs is “Do It Again” by Elevation worship, and the bridge says this:

“I’ve seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe I’ll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I’ll see you do it again”

This picture of moving mountains comes from Matthew 17:20,

“For truly, I say to you, if you have a faith like a grain of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

I know this verse does not literally tell of God moving a mountain, but it points us to the same God who formed the heavens and the earth and all of us (Job 38:4-7), who forgave His same rebellious creation time and time again and continually promised to send an everlasting covenant and atonement for sins (Isaiah 53-54), and even better, THE COVENANT ACTUALLY CAME (in case Christmas isn’t still fresh in your mind, hint: it’s Jesus!!), died, and DEFEATED DEATH so God could give us grace and forgiveness for sins (Romans 5:6-8). This is a God who is certainly capable of moving mountains, including the huge terrifying ones in your own life.

I think faith, or should I say, a lack of faith, has held me back for far too long. As I’ve had time now to look back and reflect and feel all of my feelings and all that this semester was, I see that I spent so much time lost and overwhelmed this semester not simply because of my circumstances, which in retrospect look more like a reason to celebrate than to stress, but because I believed I could handle these circumstances on my own.

This is what I’m trying to say: God is so good. I am not good, but God is. This is a realization I am so easy to forget yet God is so gentle and loving in reminding me every time.

It’s been cool for me even in these last few days as a new semester and a new year is already upon us, to look back and see the mountains God was moving inch by inch during times when I didn’t give him more than a thought. It’s allowed me to see the love God has for me in a way I never before have. It gives me the strength and peace I need to press submit and start whatever this is going to be.

So I ask myself, How did I get here? How can I do this? How can I be enough? How can…

But God.